amazing grace.

I have tried and tried to blog about Elgie. I sit down and I start to type and all that comes out are tears. Everything is still so fresh. The night that Elgie died my family was all in her room. Me, Lorean, and Sydnee were sitting on her bed. David was across the room praying. Tyler was in West Virginia praying. Mom and dad were beside the bed. Elgie had gotten significantly worse over the 4 hours since Lorean, David, Micah, and Asher had arrived. She lit up (as much as she could) when they walked in the room and was totally aware of who there were. Later that night, David put the kids to bed and we all just surrounded her. We softly played Alan Jackson's Precious Memories CD in the background. (The CD is special because it played the night that a couple of Elgie's family members passed away). As we sat there and held Elgie's hands we assured her that we were all in the room and that it was going to be okay. Her breathing got deep and heavy. It was hard to watch, to say the least. Dad laid his hands on Elgie and prayed, asking the Lord to make this an easy transition for Elgie. To take her and welcome her into His Kingdom. To run to Him and see Papa Doug and Aunt Clara. After he prayed it didn't take too much longer. Her breathing slowed down and and she relaxed. The whole time we just reminded her that we were all around, that everything was okay, and that she would soon see her Savior and her husband (who died 17 years ago). Her breathing was so slow that sometimes we thought it was her last, and when it wasn't it made it that much harder to watch. She gasped for breathes. Dad let us know that this could take a while for the body to fully shut down and that most likely our sweet Elgie was already gone. And you could tell, her eyes had already glazed over some and she wasn't Elgie anymore. Part of me wanted her to keep breathing because I was so scared to let her go. But as me and my sisters held her as she took those last couple breathes God spoke me to. He told me it was okay now. That she was home. She was happy and the last thing she was saying was "no". The presence of God was so thick in that room. As Alan Jackson sang "I want to stroll over heaven with you" we cried (and I just wanted to shake Elgie and wake her up and tell her to come back to me; I am not done taking care of you). But the Lord held me and wrapped his wonderful daddy arms around me, my sisters and parents, and just held us.

It has been a full month now since she died. I put on facebook this morning that is still doesn't even feel real. Almost every time I close my eyes I see her lying in that bed, taking those last breathes and her hands in mine. I have to shake my head because if not I will fall apart. That was the first time I have ever watched the life literally drain out of someone before. I'm sure death is different for every person. For me, this was hard. Correction, this is hard. Elgie was so much more than a grandma. Losing her is the hardest thing I have had to go through. But when I sit and think about it, all I can think of is the love of Christ. I have never fully, and wont ever fully grasp the love the Lord has for me. But knowing that Elgie took her last breathe here and then was in the presence of God made me so aware of His love and His grace. I could feel His arms wrap around me. It's like nothing I have ever felt before. Like I said, its been a month now, and it honestly hasn't gotten any easier. But I have so comforted, first, at the fact that Elgie is in Heaven with Jesus, but also because I know that over the last month I haven't had to go through this alone. I have wonderful friends a beautiful family and an amazing boyfriend. But I have a gracious Lord. I have a Jesus that never left my side. There is nothing better than having a God that doesn't go anywhere. Especially when you're hurting. Death is never easy, but like our pastor said at the funeral, this is how it's supposed to happen. This is how God intended life to be like. Elgie lived a long, wonderful, God fearing life and died in the arms are her family and was met by a beautiful God- who got to tell her "well done good and faithful servant I am proud of you." I am peaceful in knowing that I will too one day be in the presence of the Lord that never let me go through this life alone.

The presence of the Lord has never been so apparent to me before that night. I literally could feel Jesus sitting in the room with us, taking Elgie home. I know this is not going to be an easy road, but knowing that God isn't going to let me do this alone helps.

Elgie I miss you. I miss taking care of you. I miss whispering with you, talking to you about my hair or painting our nails, and making you eat your medicine that was cut up into applesauce that you absolutely hated! I miss not knowing what in the world you wanted sometimes- and you trying to explain with everything you had- and sticking your tongue out at us when when we no idea what you meant. I miss telling you I love you in our special ways. I miss you dancing in the car or dancing in church and getting mad at us for not clapping along with the song. I swear I still hear you cough and sneeze and tap on your tray. And I really do think that you're just letting me know to stop that crying and to focus on something else because you're having the time of your life. But I do miss you. But I also have joy in knowing that you're not hurting anymore and that you're running around with papa and praising Jesus all day long. I love you, and I hope you know that taking care of you was the best thing I have ever done. I would do it one million times again if I could. here was no better example of living for Jesus, like you. I wish you could have lived to make it to my wedding, and to see my future kids. I cannot wait to have them and tell them the countless stories I have, but I know you'll be proud, watching from Heaven.

Thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for teaching me the love of Christ.